Following an agreement with Daddy Donald to carry out a comprehensive evaluation of their admissions practices, Columbia has finally released the results of their audit. Findings include a 39% international student enrollment and a 21% FGLI student population in SEAS/CC.
But without a doubt, the most shocking revelation of this bombshell report was the fact that Barnard College’s population is 100% female students. Columbia administrators were seen falling to their knees on Low Steps as they struggled to come to terms with how this oversight could have possibly happened.
Claire Shipman, in an exclusive interview with The Fed, gave her thoughts on this demographic debacle:
“We at Columbia take diversity extremely seriously. Diversity is the backbone of a community, and our community is the backbone of our college. As such, our college is the backbone of diversity. At the same time, we can’t forget that the backbone of diversity is community. What was the question again?”
Despite Shipman’s stated commitment to finding out how this could’ve happened, further research by The Fed revealed a terrifying truth: this might’ve been an inside job.
“If you do a deep dive down Wikipedia, you’ll find a covert mention in line one that Barnard is actually listed as a women’s college,” said our correspondent, who begged to stay anonymous while conducting this sensitive research. “This, to me, can only indicate that this was not a freak statistical accident, like Columbia admin wants us to believe, but a concerted effort by the University to discriminate against men, who already face such institutional barriers at the moment.”
Our correspondent further revealed to us that he had successfully initiated contact with a real, live Barnard student, whom they were able to interview. Through this top-secret conversation, he found out that the Barnard application process actually requires students to affirm that their gender identity is nonbinary or female.
“Shipman and admin are fucking with us, I’m telling you. They’re obfuscating. But I’m about to bust this whole thing wide open.”
