A 13-year investigation at The Fed has finally concluded to confirm that a majority of finance clubs on campus secretly worship chthonic beings of old.
Equipped with silver rings, holy water, and sage, brave Fed reporters scoured campus to contribute to this shocking coverage. This investigation saw significant delays due to undercover journalists mysteriously disappearing at finance club meetings.
“When I joined as a freshman, I didn’t expect the club to worship Beelzebub,” Jennifer Zbodee, president of the Association for Student Stockholders, stated. “But honestly, sacrificing one or two applicants is worth it. His Darkness is the reason why we get a lot of club funds.”
The finance club application process, which includes rigorous essays and interviews, can be attributed to the particular tastes of demons. Clubs choose the best candidates as sacrifices, lest they want their demonic overlord to sentence them to a career in public finance.
“Pazuzu is a picky fella. He likes freshmen who are trying to go into private equity and show up to their club interview with a suit and resume,” Unho Lee, director of recruitment for the Data Investing Coalition for Knowledge, explained as he draped himself in a dark cloak. Behind him, other e-board members used whiteboard markers to draw a mystical circle around a timid freshman. “Everyone who gets accepted into the club has to do this. At least it’s not hazing!”
Lee turned and squeezed a single lemon stolen from John Jay onto the freshman. E-board members began to chant “RECTUS DOMINUS” as the freshman’s eyes rolled back. A bright red flame consumed the circle, and Pazuzu—a demonic deity from Mesopotamian religion—appeared. The chthonic figure spoke to his sacrifice in ancient Sumerian, making a pact of some sorts, before disappearing. The freshman was left with a mysterious mark burned into his forearm.
Finance clubs are everywhere, and they’re always recruiting. The Fed can only advise readers to seek refuge in Columbia’s St. Paul’s Chapel if approached by a finance club affiliate.
