MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY — On Tuesday, the Chinese Ministry of Commerce announced that a severe nationwide shortage of bao buns has emerged, citing “unsustainable levels of consumption traced to Columbia University’s John Jay Dining Hall.”
According to officials, the country’s steamed-bun reserves, typically sufficient to feed 1.4 billion people, were reportedly “nearly depleted within a matter of weeks” after Columbia’s dining services introduced bao as a daily option. “We anticipated some increase in demand,” said one Ministry of Commerce spokesperson, “but nothing quite like this.” Sources within Columbia Dining confirm that bao shipments now account for nearly 80 percent of the university’s total imports, surpassing even avocados and cold brew concentrate.
“I just thought they were cute little dumplings,” said one first-year student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of losing swipe access or John Jay ice cream bar privileges. “Now I realize I’ve destabilized a global market.”
In a statement released Wednesday, John Jay Dining Hall promised to “explore alternative forms of starch,” while declining to rule out further expansions into dim sum. Beijing, meanwhile, has reportedly appealed to the United Nations for help.
