Halloween weekend means it’s time to start the seasonal bender all over again, and in honor of the many clubs, bars, and parties we’ll frequent in skimpy and scandalous costumes, here’s a list of places to be extra vigilant in. These are places that have tasted my blood, broken my dignity, and claimed parts of my costumes I’ll never see again. Five crime scenes that I’ve just barely survived and a guide for you to learn from my unbalanced horror stories…
- The Heights: Talk about spooky— these stairs are truly frightening. I fell and lost the left shoe to my matching hot pink leather nurse costume in front of my ex-situationship on my first Halloweekend in New York City. This was the scariest night of my life, probably including the night I got chased by a rogue 2016 clown.
- Low Steps: As the weather gets colder, these stairs only get slippier. If you’re hungover on the third morning of the annual bender like I was, these stairs must be crossed with extra precaution. Landing on a stray cigarette flying from the fingers of a well-dressed international student is the cherry on top of the horrendous nightmare that has given many lifetime scars.
- The Stranger: This club has the most horrifying, twisted, malicious staircase I have ever encountered. And while the Halloween celebrations here could be the best, it is never worth being carried out of the club by two grown men after incurring three large bumps and bruises on my head from the tumble I endured. I took out ten strangers because the very first step on a staircase of 100 took me out immediately. Longest fall ever. Be warned.
- The subway (Between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m.) If you’re taking the train in costume, know this: the stairs leading to that rancid platform are a battlefield. I have tripped on long costume capes, lost wigs and tiaras, and been thrust into the subway pole by a stranger dressed as some sort of makeshift labubu before he threw up in front of me. Honestly, just avoid the subway and start walking everywhere, you have to fit into your costumes anyway…
- Socialista: This is absolutely the worst place on Earth to stumble. The entire staircase is outside, dramatically long, and cruelly exposed to the elements and the gazes of every person in the crowd behind the velvet rope. I’ve fallen multiple times, and the bouncer, now weary, meets me halfway down with his hand outstretched. Not out of chivalry, but out of fear that my lip gloss will catapult into someone’s 60-dollar bowl of Cipriani Lobster Bisque below.
Just be careful or stay inside; the streets do not need broken bones and shattered spirits. Happy Halloween, my baby giraffes. Let’s stay upright this year. No Tricks, No Trips!
