Happy Holidays! This is Santa, sending out a mass dispatch to all your little munchkins — naughty and nice — around the globe. We at the North Pole get a lot of…
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In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that…
Dear Professor [NAME], I hope this email finds you well. I, unfortunately,…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence…
Well. This is interesting. I got matched with my professor on Marriage Pact this year. I’m not sure what to do next. Am I supposed to email him? Does he email me?…
Watch out, New York! Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani has just been elected mayor in a landmark campaign for the Democratic Party. New Yorkers all around the city raise a glass tonight to…
Epic brother Halloweekend plans were tragically disrupted for Alpha Smegma brothers this weekend. Brothers were led to believe by local news reports that there was going to be a huge amount of…
We all heard the hot news on the street last week. Furnald resident Elmer Edwards had worked up the courage to leave his room and do his laundry when he saw it:…
Due to the shocking debt accumulated last fall, and the numerous controversies surrounding the institution, Barnard College announced that they have made the difficult decision to officially shut down all operations by…
The Butler stacks, one of Columbia’s few study spots that students can occasionally find a seat in without fighting a life or death battle, was recently reported to be receiving visitors of…
That hellish odor Moist urinal cake on tile Duolingo ping…
Barnard Facilities has received an especially haunting maintenance request this Halloween season: cleansing a suite of an evil spirit. Beginning in early September, four Barnard suitemates in Suite 11A began to notice…
A 13-year investigation at The Fed has finally concluded to confirm that a majority of finance clubs on campus secretly worship chthonic beings of old. Equipped with silver rings, holy water, and…
Barnard College has received upwards of 200 complaints from prospective students who hesitated to apply after viewing the requirement that applicants must “consistently live and identify as women.” She/theys around the country…
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY — On Tuesday, the Chinese Ministry of Commerce announced that a severe nationwide shortage of bao buns has emerged, citing “unsustainable levels of consumption traced to Columbia University’s John…
Following an agreement with Daddy Donald to carry out a comprehensive evaluation of their admissions practices, Columbia has finally released the results of their audit. Findings include a 39% international student enrollment…
