World Paleontologists Deem It “Too Soon” For Mastodon Extinction Jokes by Ben Greenspan January 30, 2016November 13, 2021 The APDL (Anti-Pachyderm Defamation League) published a statement Wednesday decrying the insensitivity.…
World Shunning Fox News, Trump To Hold Debate With Himself by Anonymous January 29, 2016November 13, 2021 "I'm the greatest master debater on the planet."…
World New Privilege Accelerator to Explore Quantum Outrage by Mac Problematic January 27, 2016November 13, 2021 Ambitious research teams at Yale are searching for the holy grail of the Standard Model of Justice.…
On Campus Jonas Caught Bringing Kilos of Snow Into New York City by Natasha Przedborski January 25, 2016November 13, 2021 New Yorkers have been feeling the storm's powerful blow.…
On Campus Liquor Store Shelves Empty As Students Stock Up For Blizzard by Anonymous January 23, 2016November 13, 2021 Anticipating the snowstorm, students have been liquidating their emergency funds.…
World Op-Ed: To Hell With These Godforsaken New Yorkers And Their Values by Ben Greenspan January 21, 2016November 13, 2021 The obsessions with bagel schmears, rye bread, and bargains are disgusting.…
On Campus Student Returns To Columbia With Semester’s Worth of Clean Laundry by Max Rosenberg January 18, 2016November 13, 2021 The heroic effort will save water, energy, and the admission that he can barely do his own laundry properly.…
On Campus/World Obama Searches For Next Job On LionSHARE by Max Rosenberg January 13, 2016November 13, 2021 "I'm starting to rethink this whole public policy thing anyways. My friends in the Treasury Department are landing huge salaries."…
World Jeb Bush Campaign Buried In Arlington National Cemetery by Max Rosenberg January 11, 2016November 13, 2021 Having succumbed to a fatal Trump insult, the campaign was laid to rest after several months of unnoticed service to the country.…
On Campus Student Protesters Demand End to Problematic Stuff by Thomas Germain and Iqraz Nanji January 11, 2016November 13, 2021 "Look, all I know is that I'm definitely offended by something. We'll work out the details later, for now we need action."…
On Campus Columbia Baseball to Hold Charity Event For Some To-Be-Determined Disease Or Something by Ben Greenspan January 7, 2016November 13, 2021 As of press time, they were searching "mouth soreness + bleeding" on WebMD.…
World Saddam Hussein’s 5 Tips to Make 2016 the Best Year Ever by Thomas Germain January 5, 2016November 13, 2021 Set some goals that you’ll be able to follow through on, like the merciless suppression of a Kurdish independence movement.…
