JOHN JAY 8 – According to an anonymous tip to The Federalist, another CAVA scandal is sure to be heard from the revered halls of Butler 209 to the clean, refreshing basement of the Beta house. According to the tipster, on the night of October 26th, the residents of John Jay 8 CAVA’d their Residential Advisor for overdosing on Uncrustables.
The Fed dispatched reporters to the scene, who spoke with Adam Goldman CC’20, a witness. “Last night, I noticed a weird smell coming from my RA’s room. It was kind of like a mix of strawberry jelly and dirty laundry? I knew exactly what to do—we talked about this stuff during NSOP. I called CAVA.”
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been called for Uncrustables overdoses,” said the CAVA employee. “Those bad boys have 100g of sugar each. Ever since JJ’s started carrying them back in September, it’s been a bloodbath. We’ve treated eight victims so far. You can’t play around with this stuff. What I tell people is to just stay away. Not even once, that’s my policy. NSOP doesn’t teach these kids that Uncrustables are a gateway crustless sandwich. Once you get hooked, it isn’t long before you’re dropping all your breakfast swipes on drinkable yogurt. And that’s the stuff that gets you. People are buying four or eight bottles at a time, but one sip and you’re CAVA’d immediately. Done. Finito.”
Reporters from The Federalist also obtained an interview with an anonymous John Jay 10 resident, who was CAVA’d for Uncrustables last week. “I experimented with ‘crusts a few times during NSOP. Just two or three times…I didn’t went to get addicted or anything. Then last night, my friend brought a stash to a Carman party I was at. That’s the last thing I remember.”
This newspaper was also able to obtain a report on the number of alcohol-related CAVA calls for John Jay 8 residents since the start of the academic year: zero.