Asshole Brian Greene Mansplains Quantum Mechanics to Fro Sci Students


WATSON HALL – Complaints flooded into the Gender-Based Misconduct office this week, alleging that theoretical physicist Professor Brian Greene “mansplained” quantum mechanics in a Frontiers of Science Lecture.

“I was simply floored that this white male had the audacity to think that I am not aware of the wave function for the probability map of an electron,” said Anna Calamari CC ’20, a planned anthropology major.

Frontiers of Science is a Core Curriculum class designed to introduce humanities students to the world of scientific discovery, inquiry, and, according to some, rampant misogyny. “As he stood there on the stage, his gaze met mine, and I could literally see him objectify me as he explained that Planck’s constant allows us to find an element’s energy when its frequency is known,” said Diana Radcliffe CC’20, a self-described “privilege-crusher.”

The Gender-Based Misconduct office has received over 20 complaints regarding Prof. Greene’s actions, and has promised a swift response. “We have a strict no-tolerance policy regarding mansplaining at Columbia,” said Gender-Based Misconduct spokeswoman Catherine Holyoke. “The condescending manner in which Prof. Greene discussed the movements of a megatron in a hydrangea atom is unbefitting of our institution.”

At press time, the Gender-Based Misconduct office had received 10 more complaints regarding Dean James Valentini’s demeaning explanation of “beginner’s mind.”