Op-Ed: People Think I’m an Introvert, But I’m Really Just a Bitch

It’s 2016, and many people rely on psychology like it’s a legitimate academic discipline. As a result, awareness of basic psychological principles has skyrocketed. People now understand the crucial distinction between introverts and extroverts. And with such newfound understanding comes increased acceptance of people who seem unfriendly just because they’re introverts.

Even though I embrace this attitude and suppose it will help some weirdass Magic the Gathering players fit in, I worry the dialogue surrounding the issue will quickly become reductive. While many unfriendly people are introverts, some, like me, are not. Make no mistake: I’m not an introvert. I’m just a bitch.

I took an authoritative online introvert-extrovert placement test, and tested in the 98th percentile for extroverts. Even though psychology tells me human interaction invigorates me, I can’t force myself to greet people with a smile or ask them about their day. I could definitely perk up, but I don’t. Because I’m a misanthropic bitch.    

Sometimes people encourage me to do public speaking, and imagine the audience in their underwear.  I do, but not because I’m nervous.  I just think it’s funny to see how ugly everyone looks naked. Fat Vicky really needs to keep her stretch marks a secret.

Every time I speak with one of the insufferable peons who go to this school, I wish I could cleave an axe between their misshapen eyebrows so I could just finish my day without having to suffer through their inane bullshit.

Most of the people in this place have at least gotten 4’s in AP Psych, so I think they probably just assume I’m an introvert and my aloof disgust with their existence is out of my control. They are wrong.  My predisposition toward being an extrovert is strong, but my predisposition toward being a heartless, seething bitch is stronger.

So next time you meet someone who seems unfriendly or distant, don’t just assume they’re well intentioned introverts. Don’t for one moment think that if you just get to know them they’ll open up to you. Because that unfriendly, cold person might not be an introvert at all. They might just be a bitch.