Intended Classics Major Says Fuck It, Not Worth Four Years of Hamilton’s Sixth Floor


Coming back from winter break, Columbia College freshman Eli Klugman experienced a life-changing realization. After completing years of committed training in Latin and Greek, four high school summers of intensive translation, and two drunken trips to Thessaloniki, Klugman came to the conclusion that he had no interest in pursuing a Classics major at all. Though he found himself enjoying his initial fall seminars, the simple fact remained that Hamilton Hall is a piece of shit building not worth consigning himself to for four years.

“Honestly, fuck that place,” huffed a frustrated Klugman, “My parents didn’t pay for four years of Exeter Latin just to see me take the stairs. If I wanted a hike to class, I would’ve gone to Cornell.”

“The stairs are big problem,” added Alice Borlak, ‘CC 19, a friend and fellow wretch of the Classics department. “The elevator can’t even fit all the kids in my Latin class, and that’s saying something. You should see those emaciated Slavic studies fuckers on Floor Seven.”

Klugman and his peers had no apparent regard for the historical significance of the building, which was built between 1905 and 1907 as per McKim, Mead & White’s original design for Columbia’s Morningside Heights campus, with the freshman giving a disinterested shrug when informed.

“Look, if it had vending machines like in Mathematics, or a bathroom on every floor, I might stick around,” said the erstwhile Classicist. “But four years is a long time, and we’re talking two to three classes in that hellscape per semester. Suffering like that is best left to SEAS students.”

At press time, Klugman stated that he would spend the next week researching which majors were housed in NoCo, a building notable for its uniquely modern appearance on campus, as well as for not being a “depressing, shit hole death trap with worse temperature regulation than an Indian sweatshop.” Klugman also noted that there is a Joe’s in the building, which beats housing Deantini’s office any day.

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