Recently, after hearing countless low-budget local news reports of disturbing activity, a team of scientists, researchers, and other urban elites was dispatched to the town of Linden Springs, New York. The team relayed the following unsettling report.
“It’s a desert out here. All culture has been stomped out, replaced by a barren landscape of Applebee’s and strip malls consisting of a European Wax Center and a Sbarro’s. I haven’t seen a book or newspaper in weeks—the only source of information from the outside world is Pitch Perfect 3,” said Linden Springs resident Erin Parker. “It’s considered journalism here.”
Tyler Yowell, who recently fled Linden Springs, recounted his harrowing experience. “You’ve got to constantly be vigilant about avoiding enemy fire to survive out here. Just last week I was caught in the crosshairs of a conversation with my Uncle Gary about how Mexicans are forcing everyone to learn Spanish. And, even worse, when I came home for Christmas I was cornered at Buffalo Wild Wings by a random guy from my tenth grade English class who kept talking about a kickass goal he scored on the JV lacrosse team.”
Conducting research has been a dangerous task, as over half of the original research team has now been hospitalized for Lyme Disease-related complications.
Almost everyone the team spoke to mentioned the town’s vicious social hierarchy . “Soccer moms with bad highlights and overweight Little League dads rule the roost around here. Anyone that doesn’t drive a Honda Odyssey or scream at scrawny eight-year-olds for striking out is relegated to the margins of society,” said one resident, who asked to be nameless to avoid facing the inhumane punishments–namely multi-hour passive-aggressive meetings with Jean, the head of the PTA–Linden Springs doles out to insubordinate citizens.
While they couldn’t yet draw definite conclusions, the researchers were unsettled by their findings. “We’re not yet in a position to deem the town a blighted wasteland,” said lead scientist Allen Goldberg. “But just by the sheer density of vape stores in such a concentrated area, it doesn’t seem there’s much hope for this God-forsaken land.”
As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten “blitzed” off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show.