"Hey Dad, it's me - Brian. Would you potentially be free later this week for a coffee chat?"…
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"…
"His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.…
“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”…
Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"…
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”…
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"…
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." …
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."…
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."…
