Admissions Fluke: They Let in Frank


HAMILTON HALL — Following a report published by the Office of Undergraduate Admissions earlier this week, students across campus expressed frustration over a controversial decision by Admissions: letting Frank into the class of 2022.  

Frank, a 17-year-old from Burlington, VT, is a prospective engineering student and “just not that great,” according to classmates from Burlington High.

Student groups united to protest the decision. Groups in attendance included the Columbia Democrats,Columbia Republicans, Floor Hockey, Men’s and Women’s Ultimate Frisbee, Romanian Club, Columbia Barnard Earth Coalition, the Society of Physics Students, and the Bluegrass Ensemble, all of whom joined together to take a firm stance against Frank’s admission.

“Enough is enough,” said a statement given by the joint coalition. “Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against the university’s principles. That kid fucking sucks.”

The scene on low steps was tense and emotional. Clarice Benjamin, SEAS ‘20, said that she was “super torn up” and couldn’t “understand how this happened.” Benjamin added that she “thought the admissions office was better than that.” As the sounds of protest-bluegrass filled the air, Clarice and friends joined together in anti-Frank chants, including; “Frank’s A Wank(er)”; “Frank Reminds me of my Ex”; and “Frankly, I’d Rather Not.”  

Other students have been more lukewarm about the matter. Jenny Ahn, CC ‘19, told The Federalist, “Yeah, Frank is a pain to be around, but we’ll have to learn to deal with him. I think that the groups protesting have fully valid reasons, and I understand why they’ve joined together in this difficult time, but I’m skeptical that they’ll rescind Frank’s offer. He probably paid a lot for a tutor and did well on his SAT’s, or built a shitty house for some kids in Central America or something. Who knows?”

Frank himself was unavailable for comment at press time.

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