"That's a really gracious offer, and I do appreciate it -- but for the time being, I will have to pass."…
"This is a sign. I'm really going to graduate at the top of my class!" proclaimed pre-frosh Ji Hong Lee, mere months before he will pitch a sad, little tent in Riverside…
"I've been good this week, and I should treat myself," said Freddy Simone, 25, after seven days spent doing the bare minimum at his job. …
Mr. Ducovich was unfazed by the water; he removed his “Grill Master” t-shirt, and eagerly waded to the pool’s deep end. “Kids, don’t listen to your mother, it’s actually really refreshing,” he…
“We realized no grocer in the nation gives customers the choice of whether to bid or buy now, which made us think: ‘Why not let people enter bidding wars for that last…
"Not saying I wanted the full sabotage apparatus, but a few measly articles about Obama’s forged birth certificate would have really come in handy when Sarah Palin couldn’t name a single newspaper.”…
In Israel, Trump Reveals “Tremendous New Plan” For Peace, Calling It “The Two-State Solution”
by Ben Greenspan and Thomas Germain
"If you have the border wall, you already have the two countries. Problem solved."…
President Trump discreetly spat gum into his paper, before crumpling it and stuffing it in the Wall.…
Wien Sophomore’s Last Ditch Attempt At Companionship Foiled By Gruesome Death Of Ant Farm
by Luis Vera
"The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels…
"Let me bury my secrets deep inside that expensive leather man-bag you keep strapped to your lanky midwestern frame."…
