Wien Sophomore’s Last Ditch Attempt At Companionship Foiled By Gruesome Death Of Ant Farm

WIEN—Sources have confirmed that one Gary Michaels CC ’19, buckled under the weight of crippling loneliness and ordered an ant farm online in a desperate bid for outside contact–only to be sent into a spiraling depression upon discovering the colony massacred in a freak accident.

The complete eradication of the farm, totaled at 227 ants, was initially attributed to the 13 days the package spent on a poorly ventilated, sunless shelf in Wien, during which time Michaels reportedly attempted to muster up the testicular fortitude to interact with the package staffer.

Campus authorities have declined to investigate further. However, one Public Safety official ventured his own theory: “The first thing you have to understand about this Michaels kid is that he’s fucking weird,” the officer, who requested he remain unnamed, told reporters on Sunday. “Like, this is some next-level shit. I swiped him in once and our hands brushed, and I suddenly felt this wave of profound unease, like someone took a piss on my grave. I had to call home and make sure my daughter was still alive.”

“Anyway, afterwards I looked into this kid, and it turns out he’s just that creepy all the time. I’ve seen him clear out the Wien lounge in 15 minutes just by sitting down. The other kids don’t even know why they’re leaving, they just want out. Listen, I think these ants might’ve heard someone say this guy’s name when the package came in and decided to just tap out rather than live with him. Some Jonestown shit went down in that ant farm, I’m telling you.”

Further inspection of the ant farm revealed that, indeed, all 227 ants were found in the same corner, having sustained heavy self-inflicted wounds. A pheromone examination further showed that the ants were all in a state of what might only be described as acute desperation.

Whatever the cause, the effect on the young sad sack was reportedly quite severe: Michaels was last spotted sobbing hysterically outside the package center three days ago, and no information on his whereabouts is currently available.