In Israel, Trump Reveals “Tremendous New Plan” For Peace, Calling It “The Two-State Solution”

JERUSALEM – Speaking at a press conference held in front of the Western Wall, President Donald J. Trump revealed his highly anticipated plans for a peaceful resolution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that has claimed thousands of lives since 1948.

“People say to me, ‘How are you going to solve this? It’s so hard, people are so angry’ – which is not true. Everybody I’ve met here has been incredibly kind and happy, happy to see me, happy to know that I’m going to fix these awful problems,” said President Trump, standing at a podium alongside a visibly amused Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “So, I sat down, and I go, ‘I can figure this out.’ And that’s what I did, happened extremely quickly for me by the way. I said, ‘We need to make it so both the Israelis and the Palestinians are very happy.’ That’s  why I am announcing my tremendous new plan for peace, that I came up with, called the ‘Two-State Solution.’”

Mr. Trump’s “completely new” plan calls for the international recognition of both Palestinian and Israeli statehood, with the two entities existing within the post-1967 borders. “Borders are very important to me, they’re important to citizens, no matter the country. Every country, they love borders. And we already have borders here in Israel with the Palestinian people. As you can see behind me, this phenomenal stone wall – which is good, but not as good as concrete – already separates the nice people and the bad people, and everybody agrees with me on this. So, if you have the border wall, you already have the two countries,” Mr. Trump said. “Problem solved.”

After the President’s remarks, Prime Minister Netanyahu apprehensively took to the microphone. “The Israeli people are delighted to have President Trump here to share his… words,” said Netanyahu, who frequently muttered “oy gevalt” during his remarks. “This whole two-state thing certainly is, uh, interesting – and we’re all impressed by Mr. Trump’s ingenuity. I’ll be sure to bring it up with parliament just as soon as I want to.”

Mr. Trump smiled broadly during Mr. Netanyahu’s remarks and intermittently thanked the Prime Minister for “the wonderful and deserved compliments.” As the press conference closed, Mr. Trump turned to Mr. Netanyahu and advised him to “trust the wall to keep those Middle Eastern Mexicans out.”

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