In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports…
Continue Reading »
In the wake of myriad changes to the government and general functioning…
Following his unprecedented loss in the New York City mayoral election, Republican…
Can’t bear the lunchtime chaos? Skip the line and buy a table…
As spring semester has started to kick into gear, students have already begun to grumble about the workload building up. None are more vocal than local junior, Ann O. Ying, who has…
We’ve all been there: your big-name university president made an oopsie or two, and now you’re scrambling for a new one at the last minute. What’s a board of trustees to do?…
Ahead of President-re-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, businesses are making big changes to their environmental messaging, adapting to dire projections of climate change. Everyone’s favorite childhood restaurant, the Rainforest Cafe, has announced that…
Washington, D.C.—In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department of Health and Human Services, announced his first major policy initiative: a nationwide ban…
In anticipation of the holidays, a joint research publication from the Stanford University and Columbia University Psychology Departments unveiled that a mere 34% of American uncles fell above one standard deviation from…
When the fires broke out in LA two weeks ago, it wasn’t the acrid smell of smoke or the apocalyptic orange sky that unsettled me the most—it was the way they reminded…
Beware! I Did Sorority Rush and They Hazed Me Into Solving the Major Ethical Dilemmas of the Century
I decided to rush this semester in pursuit of sisterhood, social validation, and the divine feminine. Upon entering Faculty House in my modestly slutty midi dress and nude heels, I expected to…
In a stunning announcement from the President’s Office, Columbia University will be instituting congestion pricing in an attempt to cut down on wait times to enter campus during peak hours. Columbia becomes…
Zwhoop! What was that? Oh, just the new ziplines across campus that Columbia introduced in effort to reduce collisions between students looking down at their phones! “Look, we’ve tried everything, but at…
Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, the school would be releasing a new line of merchandise for immediate purchase. Introducing the…
Fearing an imminent change in employment, Mayor Eric Adams was recently seen editing his application to the School of General Studies, unsure if his knowledge of the Turkish language will help or…
