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RFK Jr. To Ban Shaving Above the Knee

Washington, D.C.—In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department of Health and Human Services, announced his first major policy initiative: a nationwide ban on shaving above the knee. Kennedy has faced scrutiny over his claims on vaccines, fluoride, and nutrition, but this proposal was met with unexpected bipartisan enthusiasm. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York hailed the policy, declaring, “Frankly, I’m relieved. Ingrown hairs around my bikini line have been a menace for years.”

Not everyone was on board, however. The American Safety Razor Company issued a somber statement, calling the ban “a devastating blow to liberty—and our quarterly profits.” Government watchdog groups blasted the move as “knee-jerk authoritarianism,” and Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio raised a practical concern: Would the ban extend to other hair-removal methods like waxing and laser treatments? “Congressman Jordan is worried about his personal investment,” explained a spokesperson. “He prepaid for a 12-session laser package, and we all know if you don’t finish the sessions, it grows back thicker.” 

In response to the criticism, Kennedy stood firm. “This isn’t about razors. It’s about freedom,” he said in a follow-up interview, during which he was shirtless and sporting a jungle of gray chest hair. “True liberation begins where the razor stops.”