Exactly two days ago today, I made a big decision. I decided to reject my offer at Goldman Sachs and take the leap into the part-time lawn care business, specifically the lawn…
Earlier this month, Federalist reporters were offered an exclusive opportunity to sit down with the newest famous Columbia alumna, McBain Mold. From their meek rental fridge beginnings to their newly minted Hollywood…
If you love a slutty little runny nose and sultry wet cough, I have just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is the Columbia Health Clinic. Located on the most…
Columbia Community, On Monday, September 5, 2022 at approximately 8:34 a.m. a driverless moped was spotted traveling rapidly along Broadway. Moped is suspected to have suddenly gained consciousness after a freak lightning…
Following the success of her inaugural Year of Science, Barnard President Sian Beilock has announced last minute plans to immediately begin the Year of Dartmouth™. Beilock announced the following mandates early Tuesday…
As we stood outside the iconic storefront, Street Rat-turned-Chef Remy struggled to hold back tears as NYC Health Department officials plastered their scathing condemnation of the beloved Columbia establishment.…
Is it shameful to prefer pineapple to cantaloupe? I think not. Actually, I find it natural to zero in on the yummiest, juiciest selections for my picking. Every day, I enter John…
Lonely Wallach freshman Geoffrey Johnson reports feeling relief to have finally found friendship in a renegade cockroach living in his room. The student had struggled to make friends in his first semester…
Columbia has announced that Jen Smith, a student’s friend’s cousin’s barber’s niece, will be competing in the 2022 Winter Olympics as an alternate for the fiftieth alternate on the US Men’s Ice…
A blushing firefighter who responded to the Butler fire alarm last night has confirmed with Federalist reporters that the incident was the result of some “energetic humping” in Stack Level 5.…
