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Olivia Ruble

New York City/On Campus

Clery Alert: Moped Gains Sentience

by Matthew Pierson and Olivia Ruble
October 9, 2022October 9, 2022

Columbia Community, On Monday, September 5, 2022 at approximately 8:34 a.m. a driverless moped was spotted traveling rapidly along Broadway. Moped is suspected to have suddenly gained consciousness after a freak lightning…

Barnard/Breaking News/On Campus

Beilock Announces Year of Dartmouth

by Maria Cuevas, Lila Muscosky, Olivia Ruble, Matthew Pierson and Martha Wyatt-Luth
September 27, 2022September 27, 2022

Following the success of her inaugural Year of Science, Barnard President Sian Beilock has announced last minute plans to immediately begin the Year of Dartmouth™. Beilock announced the following mandates early Tuesday…

Breaking News/Featured/Food and Drink/New York City

Mon Dieu! Remy Jobless Following Koronet Shutdown

by Matthew Pierson and Olivia Ruble
April 5, 2022April 5, 2022

As we stood outside the iconic storefront, Street Rat-turned-Chef Remy struggled to hold back tears as NYC Health Department officials plastered their scathing condemnation of the beloved Columbia establishment.…

Food and Drink/On Campus

You Go, Girl: I Pick Through Fruit Salad to Channel My Womanly Hunter-Gatherer Instincts

by Olivia Ruble
March 31, 2022March 31, 2022

Is it shameful to prefer pineapple to cantaloupe? I think not. Actually, I find it natural to zero in on the yummiest, juiciest selections for my picking. Every day, I enter John…

On Campus

Cockroach in Wallach Student’s Dorm Only Real Source of Friendship, Camaraderie

by Bayan Shimizu, Blake Jones and Olivia Ruble
February 27, 2022February 27, 2022

Lonely Wallach freshman Geoffrey Johnson reports feeling relief to have finally found friendship in a renegade cockroach living in his room.  The student had struggled to make friends in his first semester…

On Campus/Sports

Columbia Announces Student’s Friend’s Cousin’s Barber’s Niece is Competing in the Winter Olympics

by Olivia Ruble and Zoe Davidson
February 16, 2022February 13, 2022

Columbia has announced that Jen Smith, a student’s friend’s cousin’s barber’s niece, will be competing in the 2022 Winter Olympics as an alternate for the fiftieth alternate on the US Men’s Ice…

Breaking News/On Campus

REPORT: Friction in Stacks Caused Butler Fire

by Olivia Ruble
October 20, 2021October 21, 2021

A blushing firefighter who responded to the Butler fire alarm last night has confirmed with Federalist reporters that the incident was the result of some “energetic humping” in Stack Level 5.…

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