In a stunning announcement from the President’s Office, Columbia University will be instituting congestion pricing in an attempt to cut down on wait times to enter campus during peak hours. Columbia becomes the first college in the nation (and, as the President’s office reiterated multiple times, the first Ivy League in the nation) to attempt such a bold policy.
“We’ve heard our students, our community, and our shareholders’ complaints, and hope that this is a first step towards healing our campus” the interim president stated. Armstrong, flanked by a series of self professed “policy-wonks,” whom inside sources confirm were instrumental in the decision’s implementation, walked reporters through projections that wait times to enter campus were expected to decrease by over eight percent, or 12 seconds.
The Fed has provided a helpful guide to the new policy:
- Students who want to enter campus between the hours of 10:10 AM and 5:25 PM can expect to have a charge of $8.45 applied to their student accounts.
- Sign-in tents have now been equipped with tap-to-pay technology, conveniently located next to existing ID checkers.
- Students who want to avoid repeated fees should consider entering and exiting campus during off peak hours, or donating a building to the University in their family name.
- Students who feel the fee is cost-prohibitive can suck it up and deal with it.
Fed investigative journalists found that the targets of this new policy have a 1:1 overlap with the exact percentage of the student population who cannot afford any additional fees.
When Fed journalists followed up with questions about where this money was going, President Armstrong repeatedly assured assembled journalists that the money would not be used to help Barnard in its ongoing financial crisis. “Rest assured, that the LeFrak Center for Student Success or whatever it’s called better start paying for itself, because Columbia’s money will be going where it will do the most good, right to Virginia Foxx’s reelection campaign fund.”
Upon reaching out to the MTA for comment, a spokesperson responded “even we wouldn’t pull this bullshit.”