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BREAKING: Landmark Study Finds Only 34% of American Uncles are Abnormally Racist

In anticipation of the holidays, a joint research publication from the Stanford University and Columbia University Psychology Departments unveiled that a mere 34% of American uncles fell above one standard deviation from the mean national racism point. The peer reviewed study has torn through the scientific world like a Bud Light tapeworm, as the American public has been forced to reassess long-held negative stereotypes levied at uncles. In a press conference at the Hyatt Regency Cincinnati after the report’s release, Avuncular Sympathy Society (ASS) president John Chandler proudly proclaimed the beginning of a new era of American unclehood: “The pernicious stereotype of the racist uncle that has long haunted our brotherhood may finally be put to rest thanks to this incredible study.” The conference room, packed with parents’ brothers from all around the greater Midwest erupted with applause and cheers of “Not that racist” and “Only a couple off-color jokes.” The panel was moderated by actor Dominic Chianese, who portrayed the notably racist Uncle Jun on The Sopranos.

Elsewhere the society of Non-Racist Aunts (NRA) questioned the validity of the reports. President Ilona Frederikson said, “The sample was clearly not large enough, we all know these uncles are serious racists. My husband is always loading up Chinese jokes to tell the nieces and nephews at Thanksgiving. He’s been practicing the accent in the mirror since Halloween.” Additionally, some rumors are circulating that the study was funded by a billionaire uncle donor, who would have had no next of kin to direct the money toward anyway. Whether or not the society will truly heed to the report’s many findings is yet to be seen. Notably, among the study’s other findings, 67% of uncles are alcoholics.