"His name is Poncho Firedust, and I need him to feel safe," demanded the 67-year-old chemistry professor.…
“Admitting Frank into the undergraduate body goes against this university's principles. That kid fucking sucks.”…
Joe began to laugh. “Who is Willy Valentini? Only the Dean of Columbia, the mad genius who keeps this whole place running!"…
According to witnesses, the last words he uttered before chugging his sixth Bud Light and stumbling out the door were, “Imma bout to send it.”…
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"…
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." …
"Also, impending North Korean nuclear annihilation."…
"We wish that we had not framed our Tamagotchi as an accessory to a triple homicide so as to relieve ourselves of the responsibilities of parenthood."…
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."…
"In the absence of any real personality, our midwestern students sometimes struggle to find their niche on campus, and must resort to misguidedly boasting about their native climate." …
