CPS to Offer 24-hour Crippling Depression

In the wake of CU Dining’s announcement that it will offer students round-the-clock stress-eating beginning next year, Counseling and Psychological Services says it plans to offer something even better: nonstop crippling depression.

CPS says while many students currently suffer from debilitating mental illness almost all the time, there are some holdouts who experience brief moments of fleeting happiness that give them the will to go on. But if CPS’ plans are a success, this shall no longer be the case.

“Our goal is to ensure that no student at Columbia ever feels a sense of community or belonging,” said Susan Marks, director of CPS. “We realize that in past years, a few rare students have graduated Columbia with fond memories of their time spent here. To our surprise, some even plan to donate to Columbia in the near future. We hope that our new efforts will mean no student will ever return to Morningside Heights without a chill running through her spine and a feeling of gratitude for having narrowly escaped this harrowing institution.”

Marks says CPS has several distinct plans to reform the existing mental health services on campus. “Currently, students can make an appointment and expect to see a trained therapist within a few weeks. To remedy this situation, we plan to place all future requests on an indefinite wait list, and to refer low-income students to off-campus specialists we know they could never afford.”

To address students who seek help using Columbia’s Nightline service, Marks has a similar solution. “We are thrilled to announce that, starting in fall 2017, we will forward all future calls to freshmen enrolled in Science of Psychology—with the most severe cases going to those students with a C-grade or lower. In the event that these students are busy, we will just forward the call directly to the depressed caller’s parents. That should do the trick.”

Aware that some students still don’t feel the need to seek out CPS services and thus would be unaffected by CPS’s internal changes, Marks is urging deans of the College and SEAS to implement academic reforms to guarantee that all undergraduate students will go over the edge at some point in their academic careers. “More Core classes, longer syllabi, refusing to double-count courses – these policies are vital if we want to successfully sap each and every student of his last remaining joy and motivation,” Marks said.

Unfortunately, no students could be reached for comments, as we at the Federalist couldn’t wake any of them up from their 18-hour “naps” to hear their thoughts.