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Federalist Staff

On Campus/PrezBo

A List of Every Cuss We Know to See if The Federalist Will Print It

by Matilda Darragh-Ford and Federalist Staff
September 8, 2022August 7, 2025

Ass Asshole Bastard Bitch Bollocks Cock Damn Dick Fuck Hell Shit Wanker Oh shit, they really did it. They really published all those words. This is the First Amendment in action.  Love,…

On Campus

More Like Morningside HIGH: Student Surprised to Learn that “Chamber Pot” is Not a Synonym For Hot Box

by Isabella Villatora, Molly Durawa, Eliza Heath and Federalist Staff
April 3, 2022April 3, 2022

Dillon Bollinger (no relation) (we think), CC ’25, was in for a shitty surprise when he discovered that “chamber pot” was not, in fact, a synonym for his favorite way to get…

On Campus/Sports

Columbia Announces Student’s Friend’s Cousin’s Barber’s Niece is Competing in the Winter Olympics

by Federalist Staff
February 16, 2022April 23, 2025

Columbia has announced that Jen Smith, a student’s friend’s cousin’s barber’s niece, will be competing in the 2022 Winter Olympics as an alternate for the fiftieth alternate on the US Men’s Ice…

Advice/Featured

Where Should You Take Your Valentine’s Date?

by Sylvi Stein and Federalist Staff
February 13, 2022October 11, 2022

If you, like us, are prone to procrastination and indecision, it might be hard to find a spot to take your date. Luckily, we Fed writers, with an extensive familiarity with all…

Arts and Culture

Exclusive: Auguste Rodin Reveals “The Thinker” Is Just Constipated

by Federalist Staff
December 23, 2021December 26, 2021

In a recent interview with the Federalist’s art correspondent, Auguste Rodin reflected on the self-important over-sophistication that the art world has assigned to his work. “They make everything about the human condition,”…

On Campus

REPORT: Ninety Percent of Discussion Post Just Personal Anecdote

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2021September 29, 2024

Last Monday, graduate student Matt Owens asked his Contemporary Civilizations section to write a 300-word discussion post about Aristotle’s theory of happiness, due on Wednesday at 11:59 pm. Katie Benson (CC’24) submitted…

Advice/World

The Federalist’s Guide to Surviving No-Nut November

by Matilda Darragh-Ford and Federalist Staff
December 1, 2021May 20, 2024

Cut your dick off CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF CUT YOUR DICK OFF Go to church Thanksgiving Issue, November 2021…

On Campus

In Honor of Hanukkah, Here’s a List of Things That Last Longer Than They Should

by Ilan Cohen, Nurasyl Shokeyev and Federalist Staff
November 30, 2021June 16, 2022

Friends from NSOP One ReopenCU daily attestation SSOL’s downtime during course registration  Your 8:40am lecture  Your student debt The bedsheets that you haven’t washed since your mom made your bed in August …

Pop Culture

Class of 2002 Disavows Jake Gyllenhaal

by Federalist Staff
November 13, 2021November 13, 2021

David Russel, senior class president for the 2001-2002 school year, broke down in tears after hearing “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)(Taylor’s Version)(From The Fault)” and resolved to take action. “I couldn’t…

Pop Culture/PrezBo

Prezbo Dresses Up as Ellen for Halloween, No One Can Tell He’s in Costume

by Katherine St. George and Federalist Staff
October 31, 2021November 15, 2021

On Monday, Columbia University President Lee C. Bollinger announced via an email his “dissatisfaction and disappointment” with students’ lack of reaction to his recent display of Halloween spirit. What was thought to…

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