To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
It was 6:30 p.m. The air was hot, damp, and buzzing with mosquitoes. I had just clocked out of my summer job as a cart girl at a neighborhood golf course. My…
Moo Deng Falls Asleep During All-Nighter in Butler, Blows Snot Bubble Moo Deng Waits for 12oz Chai Latte in Liz’s Place Moo Deng and Her Mother Take Typical Family Photo With Alma…
As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you’re entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA:…
You spent the last four years studying at the number 12 ranked University in the nation! Congrats! And now you’re graduating, but how will you presumptuously let the world know what you’ve…
Radio’s back, baby!…
President Laura Rosenbury returned on Sunday evening from her time in the desert. The president reported having a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend in Indio, California as she enjoyed her artist-pass access to…
In an internal memo obtained by The Federalist, it’s been revealed that the Bacchanal supporting artist will be none other than the Tony-award-winning artist Lin-Manuel Miranda. Miranda is best known for the…
Every parent dreams of their child going to an amazing college… unless that child gets there and decides to major in the humanities, it seems! Sorry, Mom—if, instead of letting me read…
