Carman Renamed ‘Charmin’ After 50,000 Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia

Graphic by Dani Rivera

Carman Hall, the infamous “party” dorm for Columbia first-years, is seeing a major shake-up after the Charmin Ultra Soft family donated 50,000 toilet paper rolls to the university. Shayna Mikowski, a spokesperson for Charmin, told the Federalist that it was the least they could do given Columbia’s humiliating fall from grace: “We know being ranked 18th is tough. It’s our duty at Charmin to help out these underprivileged Ivy League universities where it matters most: wiping their butts.”

Carman was originally named for former Columbia College Dean Harry Carman, a nerd who probably never even got a beer baptism at Mel’s. Now, the dorm will be aptly named Charmin Hall for the famous family of bears. In an email sent out by the Dean of Undergraduate Student Life, Cristen Kromm informed students, “We are delighted for Charmin to join the Columbia family! As a company, they share many of our university values such as cleanliness, comfort, and a disregard for the environment.”