Penis Fountains Must Shut Off at 8 PM in Accordance with Barnard Guest Policy

Barnard’s guest policy has reached draconian heights with the requirement that the “penis fountains” that adorn Low steps must be turned off past 8 PM. Barnard Dean Leslie Grinage wrote to students, “We crafted our guest policy with one goal in mind: to eliminate all sexuality on campus. The mere idea of any phallic object past sunset is an affront to the traditional values of Barnard College.” This new policy comes after the failure of a long campaign to permanently cover the fountains with large fig leaves to “preserve their modesty.” 

Barnard administrators further argued that the guest policy and new penis fountain provision are COVID-19 safety measures: “These decisions were made in conjunction with numerous infectious disease experts. They agree that the primary causes of COVID-19 are penis fountain water and having sex without the explicit permission of your academic advisor.” Columbia has yet to respond directly, but have put out a statement saying that “they will not go soft.”