No seriously: he just sits there, randomly guesses four things, and somehow manages to be one away. Then he uses all his guesses, gets nothing right, opens an incognito tab, and does…
A new USNews report released on Sunday revealed Columbia’s rise in USNews’ specialized rankings, reportedly due to recent data releases regarding the employment statuses of past university presidents. Over the last three…
Happy first year of college you little queers! It’s so cute that you decided to come to a historically women’s college because you love theorizing gender and also want to escape your…
When I first walked into 569 Lerner, I was immediately struck by two things: one, I was the only other guy in the room full of girls. Strange, but no problem. Maybe…
Oh, I get it now. So when the university displaces local businesses and homes to expand our educational capabilities, and I suppose our modest real estate portfolio, it’s worth years of protests…
To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I,…
Shortly after the Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University. Now, newly-leaked…
In a deeply moving scene on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing a single metal tear sorrowfully fall from the left eye of the Alma Mater statue. Upon hearing about the normally-impassive statue shed…
Citing the campus-famous maxim “Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed,” Katrina Armstrong is commencing her interim presidency by announcing a five-year strategic plan aimed at lowering the rate of Barnard boyfriends. “These…
Perseverance is not a long race, it’s many short FacShack line industry plants In an attempt to reconcile a shockingly dark display of a way-too-invested girl on her knees shouting “Why god…
