Dining in tonight? Hey! You deaf son of a bitch! Stay behind the line!!…
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After rows of College Walk trees were torn down last semester, the…
Fran Splant, CC ’29, was recently spotted wearing a sweatshirt with ‘It…
Insider sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed that Columbia University has agreed with the federal government to do whatever it takes to make this stop. While top universities were stunned…
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump appeared to walk back his comments from last week, affirming his commitment to the continuance of Cinco de Mayo celebrations in the United States amidst tariff negotiations…
In the latest international intellectual battle, Italian journalist Benito Mussolini has announced plans to sue President Donald Trump over the work of the latter’s presidency. Mussolini claims that Trump failed to properly…
If your head line is curved… you’re a progressive person. Certainly more progressive than your roommate, who is about to get rejected by his long-term class crush and enter the manosphere. In…
In an unexpected change of plans, this year’s Columbia Commencement Speaker, previously announced as author Jodi Kantor (CC ‘96), will be replaced by Tilikum the Orca (Sea World ‘17). In the wake…
Alright, clearly you haven’t been taking us seriously. We told you to complete the training. We told you it was New York state law. We told you that if you didn’t do…
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and senior theses have been submitted. Most seniors would take this tranquil moment before finals to enjoy their final weeks at Columbia. However, The…
In response to leaked plans of a new encampment, Columbia Public Safety has heightened its security measures to prevent another occupation of South Lawn. In a memo to Public Safety officers obtained…
Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent…
Each day seems to bring worse and worse news about the grim fate of higher education in the United States. First, the removal of $400 million in federal grants from Columbia, then…
“Hey little bud! Let’s move away from there haha… no eggs in the car, buddy! Here, let’s play hot-and-cold – you’re freezing cold! Let’s go back to Mommy, maybe there are some…
Do you like being an annoying little jerk à la Home Alone (1990)? Were you the kid that reminded the teacher about homework at the end of class? Well if you’re also…
