A recent ad posted by the University revealed that a bold new committee is being assembled to combat the relentless siege known as “winter.” Existing applicants under consideration include traditional frat bros,…
In their February newsletter, Barnard Dining announced the opening of a new seasonal kissing booth located just behind the blind-corner staircase at the entrance of Hewitt Dining Hall. A recent survey, composed…
On the afternoon of February 9, Claire Shipman announced via Instagram Live that the 2026 University Commencement would be moved to “the other side of the fucking moon” citing “cost restrictions” and…
Upon seeing tremendous box office success upon its release this past weekend, the First Lady’s new documentary, “Melania,” has been announced as the 2026 Athena Film Festival opening night screening. “‘Melania’ was…
The Justice Department’s release of three million additional files from the Epstein investigation has sent shockwaves through the Columbia community, with the implication of several prominent professors, trustees, and “Center for Well-Being”…
This morning, Linus Infection BC ‘26, showed up to their 10:10 AM philosophy class with a single tissue shoved into the side pocket of their bag. Having sniffled a couple of times…
In a recent announcement this week, the Presidential Search Committee shared that they are still unable to find a single person who actually wants to be University President. “We know this may…
In response to the December 5th, 2025 trespass on Barnard’s 616 residence hall, the CARES Community Safety team appointed a new Security Chief Alpha, 6’3 former-CEO Hugh G. Thruster. Recent survey reports…
‘Twas the night before my midterm, when all through the floor The athletes were stirring, those terrible whores. Their mouths pierced the restful reading room with flair, In hopes that one and…
Uris Pool will be CLOSED on Sunday, December 7th, from 7 pm to 9:30 pm, due to someone taking a fat shit in the pool. That’s right: one of your dear, dear…
