In a newly published research brief, Columbia University Republicans claim that Ronald Reagan’s trickle-down economics works, and their findings are certainly food for thought. The brief contains empirical research that analyzes meal…
A newly released article by The Guardian alleged that tech giant Apple flew 600 tonnes of iPhones to the U.S. from India in an attempt to beat recently imposed import tariffs by…
As part of a yearly tradition, the university has released a demographic poll of the newly-committed class of 2029. Most notably, the survey reported that a whopping 100 percent of incoming students…
Dear Alma, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a while now. Normally, we eat in the dining halls (we LOVE the Ferris pasta bar) or cook in his suite’s private…
Remember the good old booming days when you could spring the $5.80 for the subway to and from Bushwick, the $15 cover, and two or three shots for your friends at the…
To stem what President Rosenbury describes as the “pillaging” of Barnard dining halls by “so-called affiliate” Columbia dining halls, Barnard has enacted a 104% tariff on dining swipes used by Barnard students…
A’walkin round in Lerner, Looking for a treat. Thought: well im close to Ferris, But all they ever have is meat! Chicken, bacon, sausage, pepperoni on their pies, Ferris Booth Commons is…
Dear Class of 2029, Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body! While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world [i.e, from one…
Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…
