The Hudson River: home to fish, party cruises, sewage, chemical contamination, and, now, the Columbia College swim test. In a recent change by Columbia administrators, students graduating in 2028 and later will…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
Oh how I wish I could go back to the day when I clicked that little “Upload Photo” box on SSOL. It seemed so innocent, just begging me to have some fun…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you’re entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA:…
Colin, a first-year PoliSci student from Ohio, called his mom to tell her he finally got invited to his first college party! He didn’t even get to the Carman floor nine lounge…
We at The Federalist are proud to announce our first-of-its-kind, exclusive interview with a transgender extraterrestrial from the ❆❅❄ star system.“⟟ ⏃⋔ ⏃ ⏁⍀⏃⋏⌇☌⟒⋏⎅⟒,” it said, admiring the penis fountain near Low.…
After the historic announcement that President Biden will not seek reelection after months of concern regarding his mental state, Democratic Party members shifted to their next elderly target: Columbia’s 114-year-old lion mascot…
Chef Mike’s recently announced that they would be introducing a new sandwich: the Liberation Special. The special will include chicken breast, lettuce, tomatoes, and olives, a colorful array of fillings suited for…
Last Saturday, students walking around campus reported observing several intriguing occurrences involving an inexplicable horde of little kids, nannies, and a random food truck near the sundial. Samantha Liu (CC ‘25) provided…
