Little Kid Outside John Jay Eats Shit While Playing With a Ball

Last Saturday, students walking around campus reported observing several intriguing occurrences involving an inexplicable horde of little kids, nannies, and a random food truck near the sundial.

Samantha Liu (CC ‘25) provided us with her account of an incident she witnessed. “I was exiting John Jay and heading to Butler when I saw a bunch of little kids screaming and running around on the grass outside John Jay. One kid started trying to balance on a soccer ball, and that’s when it happened. He started to slip and I just knew he was gonna eat fat shit.”

Samantha and other students have reported that seeing children eat shit is a fairly normal occurrence when walking around campus on the weekends. Jeffrey Combs (SEAS ‘24) says he saw a kid faceplant right into the shaft of one of the penis fountains last Friday.

“Thankfully, that kid was like 3 feet tall, so he got right back up again and ran off to do other stupid shit,” said Samantha. While we do encourage parents to look after their young kids on campus, we hope they don’t pay them too much attention, or else what will our student body have to entertain them on the weekends?