Horse Adderall “Way Better” than Person Adderall, says Columbia First-Year

“S**t just hits different,” swears Elijah Melb (CC ‘25)

Image By Nikhil Mehta

Citing recent research funded by the Columbia Republicans Club and clinical trials done in a third-floor Carman dorm, first-year students confirmed that the equestrian form of amphetamine totally slaps. Like hard.

“I literally couldn’t stop focusing, mostly on the attractiveness of potential horse mates in Butler, but wow, my LitHum Essay is sick,” said Melb.

CU Health has expressed concern over increased rates of students galloping down Broadway screaming, “I’M A MOTHERF**KING HORSE,” as well as an alarming spike in high school students applying ED to Penn because “Columbia’s just kinda weird.” “We expect and even encourage this kind of stress-relieving behavior during midterm season, but it has begun to pose a safety hazard to the Columbia community,” said a spokesperson of the Columbia University Health Office.

As is to be expected, an underground market has bloomed for the drugs, especially amongst the members of the John Jay Society, who have expressed their interest in the drug’s possible applications for COVID-19 treatment (please don’t come after us—I swear it’s just a joke guys just a joke).

Try the stuff out for your next midterm! It could really give you the edge you’re looking for to score just high enough to avoid an actual Columbia University Health appointment for unhealthy amounts of mental fatigue and exhaustion. Roar Lions Roar!