MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY — Per Columbia’s surveillance protocols, Columbia’s Medical Director Melanie J. Bernitz and staff test the dorm’s wastewater to track potential COVID outbreaks, but The Fed has also received inside info that that’s not all that’s being tested. Bernitz explained to The Fed: “We figured, heck, while we’re down there, why not test for prohibited substances?”
These drug screenings found high traces of Adderall, cocaine, and alcohol in all dorms except the nerd dorm, Furnald. “Of course, we don’t condone the use of such substances, but when you’re the odd man out, it makes you wonder, that’s for sure,” said Cristen Kromm, Dean of Undergraduate Student Life.
“I mean, it’s final season, we’re still in a pandemic, the lines in Ferris are exhausting . . . it’s like, ‘hey loser, live a little,’” clarified Bernitz. As of press time, Dean Kromm was seen leaving loose pills in Furnald common rooms.
“Just a little stocking stuffer,” she assured The Fed when questioned about the contents.