NEW YORK, NY—Interim President Katrina Armstrong of Columbia University announced today that she is stepping down from her current position on a particularly wobbly ladder outside of Low Library, effective April 1,…
BREAKING—According to a new email from CUIT, Columbia Housing’s internal electronic database experienced a complete blackout late last night. “Our technicians are working around the clock to try to restore this system,”…
Following months of budget cuts and protests against a controversial college President, it was revealed that the College’s whopping $250 million dollars of debt was caused by none other than President Laura…
Hi everyone! I wanted to share an important update with my network regarding my personal life. I am now #OpenToDate! This comes after months of listening to ‘attracting, not chasing’ subliminals, writing…
Tragic news came from Morningside Heights this week, where a group of students found their peer, Jonah Riviera, living in a flophouse allegedly known to locals as “Carlton Arms.” Riviera was found…
In anticipation of the holidays, a joint research publication from the Stanford University and Columbia University Psychology Departments unveiled that a mere 34% of American uncles fell above one standard deviation from…
Barnard College of Columbia University announced that in honor of the upcoming inauguration of president-elect Donald Trump, the school would be releasing a new line of merchandise for immediate purchase. Introducing the…
Infamous for its controversial alumni including Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Dr. Oz, the University of Pennsylvania really needed a cool, likeable alumnus to rebuke their current public perception as the nation’s…
In a landmark ruling this week, the Supreme Court declared in a 6-3 decision that the Thanksgiving tradition in which the President pardons a turkey is actually a gross overreach of federal…
Like clockwork, Columbia’s class registration system has shut down as students try to select their classes for the Spring semester. An anonymous employee of the Registrar’s Office told The Federalist that the…
