No seriously: he just sits there, randomly guesses four things, and somehow manages to be one away. Then he uses all his guesses, gets nothing right, opens an incognito tab, and does…
Well, that was fast. Columbia’s interim president, Katrina Armstrong, has resigned after barely more than a month on the job. An independent review of communications to the student body from Columbia administrators…
Oh Woozoo, Your blessed blades breathe air within my Brooks dorm room Your swiveling head surveys atop the shoebox, sustaining a subtle breeze that whispers a coo I know it is not…
Twenty-five years after the last major update of SSOL in 2001 following the .com bubble burst and the concurrent cheapening of software engineer labor, the Registrar’s Office has announced plans to reformat…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
We at The Federalist are proud to announce our first-of-its-kind, exclusive interview with a transgender extraterrestrial from the ❆❅
star system.“⟟ ⏃⋔ ⏃ ⏁⍀⏃⋏⌇☌⟒⋏⎅⟒,” it said, admiring the penis fountain near Low.…
Duo, Columbia’s student account multi-factor verification service, has been known to terrorize students with unnecessary identity verification before they even step on campus. To address user concerns of not being able to…
In a heretofore unseen display of brutality, Economics Professor Ben Gordon quietly revised the deadline for Problem Set 3 of UN2178: The German Economy from 11:59 PM to 11:58 PM, resulting in…
College spring break: a quintessential experience one must endure in their late teenage years. As I was up late researching all-inclusive resorts in tropical locations for under 50 dollars, I came to…
