I finally did it. I stuck it in for the first time. And by it, I mean my absentee ballot–I stuck it into the mailbox. (Get your head out of the gutter,…
The Hudson River: home to fish, party cruises, sewage, chemical contamination, and, now, the Columbia College swim test. In a recent change by Columbia administrators, students graduating in 2028 and later will…
Wondering where you’re going to spend those 50 blissful minutes of venting, sweating, shivering, and giggling you enjoy each week in therapy? Don’t worry, research shows that these 3 spots on campus…
In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting…
Dear members of the Columbia community: I am writing to you to share with you how we are thinking about recent events regarding public access and heightened security presence on campus. The…
No, we’re not fucking with you. For once, The Federalist is publishing real news. According to a report released by Sunrise Columbia, the university has accepted $43 MILLION from fossil fuel corporations…
Have you ever exited Hewitt–brownie, pizza, and soft serve in hand–and been stared down by a brown-haired, turtlenecked headshot of the elusive “Barnard Dietitian?” Perhaps you also pondered questions like: should I…
Declaring that they were “getting back to their roots” and expressing their “sadness that it didn’t work out,” the Columbia University Board of Trustees announced in a recent email that they plan…
PRESIDENT SHAFIK IS GONE. WE BEAT SPEC TO TELLING YOU. TIMES ARE A’CHANGIN. NO NEED FOR MORE SPEC-FED FRISBEE GAMES, WE WIN BABYYYYY…
In a shocking email sent at 1:13am, President Shafik, in conjunction with the Board of Trustees, announced that the next year at Columbia has been canceled due to an increased risk of…
