Another mystery of faith solved! Through divine revelation, God has delivered to Pope Leo XIV new Catholic doctrine: the true second coming of Christ is inside those dining hall vending machines, within…
As an exciting new season approaches, beloved coffee chain Joe Coffee has decided to venture into innovative new corners of the coffee business. Instead of their usual winter menu items, they have…
We all know the infamous Butler Library architrave—engraved with the names of dead, white dudes who chiseled the literary canon and the “examination of the human condition” into what it is today,…
In a move intended to provide jobs to those most in need, mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani has announced that he will be hiring Republican nominee Curtis Sliwa as the city’s Crazy Uncle, and…
Santa Claus has recently been accused by United Elf Workers, one of the North Pole’s largest labor unions, of threatening to cut the wages and benefits of elves disseminating union related material…
More than 400 Columbia students enter the hallowed halls of Chef Mike’s each day. And at least one of them has asked, “where does my ham come from?” Well, with the launch…
For decades, the NORAD Santa Tracker has embodied the transparency and honesty of the United States government. Initially, I believed that the tracker’s democratic access to modern military technology, used to follow…
When I found a pair of wire-framed glasses on the floor of JJ’s last Thursday night, I knew I was about to deceive you bitches. When I pressed my thumb against those…
On the twelfth day of Christmas my situationship gave to me: Twelve IDs tapping, Eleven JJs nuggets, Ten football losses, Nine discussion posts, Eight Kingsmen singing, Seven frat parties, Six baddies fumbled,…
TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock…
