"JACOB TREMBLAY, from the wonderful film ROOM, is now my son. Polls LOVE him already!"…
"She came over this break and, I swear to God, was just ripping some of the fattest clouds I'd ever seen."…
"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"…
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"…
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." …
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."…
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?" …
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."…
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."…
4. Kill the author of this article.…
