Elmira, NY—As another Mills family New Years Eve party concluded last night, the family’s matriarch, Grandma Ester, led the tribe in their traditional blood oath to avoid each other’s company for at least eight months.
“Ever since I was a little girl, we Mills’ have been doing this, so it’s only right to honor tradition, and frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm. “Now, to do it correctly, aim your wound towards the still-standing Christmas tree and swear not to inflict the sight of your sorry visages on each other until August is through.”
“She’s always been picky about this tradition,” remarked Susan Mills, Ester’s daughter. “I remember when I was a little girl, she would bellow ‘GO DEEPER’ at me if she thought I was going easy on myself.”
As the family sprayed their blood on to the Christmas tree, there was some debate as to why the always quiet cousin Kyle was suddenly so eager to engage in the ceremony. Elsewhere, Ester could be heard yelling at five-year-old Billy, the newest addition to the Mills brood, to “CUT ACROSS THE TRACKS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, FOOL.”