As one of the premier non-state sponsored publications still permitted in Turkey, the Federalist reached out to President Tayyip Erdogan for his advice on having a healthy and happy 2018.
1. Organize a weird coup against yourself.
Those dog days of summer are when you can really fall into a rut. A good way to keep your mind and body active during those lazy months is to covertly launch a one-day attempt to overthrow your own government and get those power-consolidating juices flowing.
2. Purge all of the negative energy and dissent from your life.
Ugh, who needs nay-sayers? You are a beautiful and intelligent person; you know what’s best for you.
3. Bet against the Knicks.
Seriously, fuck Enes Kanter. That guy sucks, what a jabroni. And it’s the Knicks, so they’re going to implode.
4. Kill the author of this article.
He’s a Jew? Even better.
5. Smoke outside of Butler.
It is the way of our people.