5 Tips from President Tayyip Erdogan on How to Have a Happy and Healthy New Year

As one of the premier non-state sponsored publications still permitted in Turkey, the Federalist reached out to President Tayyip Erdogan for his advice on having a healthy and happy 2018.

1. Organize a weird coup against yourself.

Those dog days of summer are when you can really fall into a rut. A good way to keep your mind and body active during those lazy months is to covertly launch a one-day attempt to overthrow your own government and get those power-consolidating juices flowing.

2. Purge all of the negative energy and dissent from your life.

Ugh, who needs nay-sayers? You are a beautiful and intelligent person; you know what’s best for you.

3. Bet against the Knicks.

Seriously, fuck Enes Kanter. That guy sucks, what a jabroni. And it’s the Knicks, so they’re going to implode.

4. Kill the author of this article.

He’s a Jew? Even better.

5. Smoke outside of Butler.

It is the way of our people.

In Other News