Showtime, mis amigos. The sun is shining. The lawns are rocking. And my Ralph Lauren Polo shirt has imprisoned my all-star udders for far too long. The time has come to set…
On April 11th, 2026, the Columbia Federalist competed in a Field Day-style athletic competition against the Columbia Daily Spectator. Fans around the globe were shocked by the Fed’s defeat in the nailbitingly…
Clara Neilson-Papfish Barnard College student, Clara “The Swordfish” Neilson-Papfish, has been named the most promising addition to the Swim and Dive team. Though she has not yet learned to swim, her coaches…
In the perilous depths and plateaus of despair that have mired campus, the strong and effervescent Columbia Women’s Basketball team has risen above the rest to deliver unto us holy victory. The…
Though it feels quite chilly, spring sports are officially in full swing at Columbia! At the same time, the University has observed a significant decline in sporting event attendance, despite promoting games…
After FBI Director Kash Patel was seen in Milan partying with the US Men’s Hockey Team following their historic win at the Olympics, eagle-eyed viewers spotted another familiar face in the background…
Though it feels quite chilly, spring sports are officially in full swing at Columbia! At the same time, the University has observed a significant decline in sporting event attendance, despite promoting games…
In a shocking divulgence this Saturday, a man wearing exclusively clothing branded with the Columbia wrestling logo revealed that he indeed wrestles for Columbia. “I’m actually on the wrestling team,” said freshman…
TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock…
Columbia junior Hugh Jaddict has quite the reputation, but it certainly isn’t due to his work ethic. That’s why his appearance in the Butler main silent reading room late last Saturday night…
