Clara Neilson-Papfish
Barnard College student, Clara “The Swordfish” Neilson-Papfish, has been named the most promising addition to the Swim and Dive team. Though she has not yet learned to swim, her coaches believe that it will only pose a minor obstacle to the success of the young athlete. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” head Coach Gunter de Sea told The Colombia Spectador. “She’s the cheetah of the ocean. Or at least she will be soon. Mark my words, you’ll be seeing her on an Olympic podium.” In an interview with The Colombia Spectador about her progress, while face up in the pool with floaties adorning both arms, Neilson-Papfish explains, “I’m working on my float first. You can’t go from crawling to sprinting. There’s an in-between period.” At this point in the interview, other members of the swim team could be seen scribbling notes about her technique.
Cod-iver Green
After holding team try-outs, Coach de Sea was insistent about one thing: Cod-iver “Blub-Blub” Green, CC ’26, had to be given a spot on the team. Along with his impressive breaststroke time, de Sea reported to us that Green “literally believes he is a fish.” Green does not speak in comprehensible words, does not eat anything but fish food pellets, and spends most of his time on land flopping and writhing on the ground until he manages to fall back into the nearest source of water. However, as Assistant Coach Butter F. Ligh told us, “Iin the water, he’s a different beast.” Aside from a brief scare when they found him silently floating upside down at the surface and sputtering for air, Green’s pre-season so far has gone swimmingly.
Sophia Clownfish
Coaches scouted this recruit in the wild, a fan favorite among Fannie’s Flatbush Freaks. Head Diving Coach, Dua Felippe, couldn’t believe her eyes as Clownfish, the contortionist-in-residence, hit a Marinely Bend straight into an Elbow Stand Ring Straight Legs Wide and ended the combination with a beautiful Donut Variation. When Coach Felippe learned that Brown was already enrolled at Barnard College, she was relieved, stating that, “With all this Epstein nonsense going around, you just can’t bribe like you used to.” This young phenom took to the sport like a duck to water, flipping here, there, and everywhere in the depths of Dodge. It wasn’t until a team lunch at the new Fac House fourth-floor balcony that coaches realized her greatest weakness: a minor- to- possibly- life-threatening aversion to elevation. Coach de Sea told us, “We thought she was just showing off when she did a reverse 1½ somersaults with 4½ twists from the ground into the water…”
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