In the perilous depths and plateaus of despair that have mired campus, the strong and effervescent Columbia Women’s Basketball team has risen above the rest to deliver unto us holy victory. The Princeton Basketball team’s feared dominion over the women’s Ivy League basketball is no more, as Columbia’s daring women’s team has, in turn, ousted them from the court with a well-timed basketball through the net. Columbia’s beautiful and gorgeous women’s team placed many more basketballs through said net than did their cruel and undeserving opponents, whose names will forever be tainted by the malice in their hearts, the echoes of their screams, and defeat on the basketball scoreboards. It is obvious that our righteous God has weighed them both upon his scale and found the Columbia team superior by a ratio of 68 basketballs to 43 basketballs, and their souls worthy to be bestowed upon them the divine right to basketball victory. Vanguards of the Columbian spirit, vanquish thine, enemy before thee! Slay the unjust Princeton Women’s team, lay waste to thine foes, and strike them down with the power of a thousand lightning bolts so that they may never commit so great a folly as appearing before you. Your loyal servants await your deliverance.
Columbia is scheduled to play an away game against Brown on Sunday at 5:00 PM, and the game will be streamed on ESPN+.
