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Federalist Staff

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Columbia Sundial to Open Applications to Irish and Italian Students

by Federalist Staff
October 27, 2025October 24, 2025

In a move that shocked the Columbia community, the Columbia Sundial recently announced that they would open up several positions that Irish and Italian students could apply to.  “After some extensive internal…

Advice/Articles/Food and Drink

Help!! Chef Mike Rizzed up my Mom at Parents Weekend

by Federalist Staff
October 27, 2025October 24, 2025

I don’t want them to cook my grandma. Please. He’s already coming to Christmas. …

Articles/Barnard/Food and Drink

Bulk SZN or Cuffing SZN: Barnard Dining Hall Gets Taken Over by Columbia’s Male Athletes on the Hunt for Trophy Wives and Better Nutrition

by Federalist Staff
September 29, 2025September 21, 2025

Following the start of students’ meal plans this academic year, several Barnard students have observed an alarming influx of testosterone at Hewitt Dining Hall.  Hewitt Dining Hall is one of the few…

Articles/On Campus

High School Loser Finally Becomes Popular After Joining Frat

by Federalist Staff
September 29, 2025September 21, 2025

In the good news section for Freshman incels, high school loser Harry Smelton has been popping off the charts at rush events. After a few minor adjustments to his vocabulary, he quickly…

Articles/On Campus

Legacy Student Discovers Butler Library Does Not Include Butlers

by Federalist Staff
September 29, 2025September 21, 2025

After a disappointing run-Win at the Ferris omelet bar (due to the lack of caviar selection), Hans Rainsford Rockefeller Carnegie IV stopped by Butler Library for a quick study session. Hans usually…

Arts and Culture/On Campus/Poetry

Sonnet to Carmen Gates—from a struggling Carlton Arms resident

by Federalist Staff
September 29, 2025September 24, 2025

The Carman Hall gates are my gates to heaven Feet throbbing from the walk Pretty much from 107,  my legs feel every block Though boasting spacious living spaces  TV’s and kitchens all…

Articles/Pop Culture/World

Confused Alert! I Love Free Speech But I Hate Jimmy Kimmel

by Federalist Staff
September 18, 2025September 18, 2025

I had been rooting against Jimmy Kimmel for years. Especially during the award show years. The Oscars were ruined back to back years by the most exhaustingly accessible comedian on the face…

Articles/Barnard

Help! I’ve been Kidnapped and Subscribed to Rosenbury’s Substack Against My Will

by Federalist Staff
September 17, 2025September 17, 2025

I don’t know how long I have before she arrives, but I think it’s enough to write down what’s been happening to me. My captivity started a few months ago, or maybe…

Articles/Politics/World

Turning Point USA Undergoes Unexpected Ideological Shift, States Second Amendment Actually Not That Important Anymore

by Federalist Staff
September 10, 2025September 11, 2025

Donate to March for Our Lives “The Turning Point USA leadership team recently convened to discuss the role of the Second Amendment in our propaganda, I mean, education. We’ve decided to reconsider…

Advice/Articles

r/AITA: AITA for getting back at the roommate I’ve hated all year??

by Federalist Staff
May 5, 2025May 2, 2025

u/millie_muncher666 • 9 days ago I (19F) go to the Orwell Ivy, and my roommate (18F) is straight from hell. It all started when we were DMing on Instagram. She’s from Brooklyn…

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