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Federalist Staff

Articles/Claire Shipman/Health and Fitness/On Campus

Columbia Student Stuck Straddling Butler Columns in Free Solo Attempt After Watching Alex Honnold Climb Taipei 101

by Federalist Staff
February 13, 2026February 12, 2026

Early Sunday evening, an unidentified Columbia student took to Butler library, aiming to scale the limestone facade a mere 20 hours after watching Alex Honnold free solo one of the tallest skyscrapers…

Articles/On Campus/Politics

Columbia Seeks Students for New Committee to Clear Snow

by Federalist Staff
February 13, 2026February 12, 2026

A recent ad posted by the University revealed that a bold new committee is being assembled to combat the relentless siege known as “winter.” Existing applicants under consideration include traditional frat bros,…

Articles/Health and Fitness/Opinion

Embarrassing! Guy shitting in the Butler stall next to me has a way better FYP than I do.

by Federalist Staff
February 8, 2026February 8, 2026

There I was, sitting in the Butler bathrooms. My safe space: a fecal oasis amidst the chaos of Columbia. Within those walls of solitude, one can find a few elusive moments of…

Articles/Arts and Culture/Barnard

Melania Set to Open The Athena Film Festival 

by Federalist Staff
February 5, 2026

Upon seeing tremendous box office success upon its release this past weekend, the First Lady’s new documentary, “Melania,” has been announced as the 2026 Athena Film Festival opening night screening.  “‘Melania’ was…

Articles/On Campus/Politics/World

Jealous Columbia Administrator Wondering How Everyone Else Got All These Vacation Days

by Federalist Staff
February 4, 2026

The Justice Department’s release of three million additional files from the Epstein investigation has sent shockwaves through the Columbia community, with the implication of several prominent professors, trustees, and “Center for Well-Being”…

Articles/Health and Fitness/On Campus

Uris Pool Closure: 12/7

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2025November 20, 2025

Uris Pool will be CLOSED on Sunday, December 7th, from 7 pm to 9:30 pm, due to someone taking a fat shit in the pool. That’s right: one of your dear, dear…

Articles/New York City/On Campus

Clery Crime Alert: Attempted Breaking and Entering

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2025November 20, 2025

The Department of Public Safety was informed that on Friday, December 5th, 2025, at approximately 11:30 p.m., a suspicious person was identified at 2940 Broadway Hall. The individual is male presenting and…

Advice/Articles

A Corporate Job Announcement Template, For Your Consideration

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2025November 20, 2025

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve dreamt of working at [large corporation] in [large city]. I’d imagine swiping into that tall, brutalist building with a smile on my face, dressed…

Articles/Fedvestigations/On Campus

The Boy Who Cried Wolf: Number of Students Who Leave Building During Fourth False Fire Alarm in the Past Week Down by 90%

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2025November 24, 2025

Carlton Arms Dormitory has been seeing a recent spike in false-alarm activation of the Fire Safety System due to what a Columbia Housing representative called a “better-safe-than-sorry” approach to triggering the alarm. …

Articles/Fedvestigations/Sports

Report: Research for Five-Leg Korean Baseball Parlay the Most That Man Has Studied This Year

by Federalist Staff
December 8, 2025November 24, 2025

Columbia junior Hugh Jaddict has quite the reputation, but it certainly isn’t due to his work ethic. That’s why his appearance in the Butler main silent reading room late last Saturday night…

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