"What does it mean to be a police officer with thousands of devices installed in your body to assist in fighting crime when you also like dudes?"…
"Jesus, no I don't have any comment on what happened in Florida. Can't you see I'm busy here?"…
"Jeez, I bet I look pretty ridiculous right about now." …
"Many believe that Michael Phelps would have brought home even more hardware had he not been injured in an attack orchestrated by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly."…
"Coach, I get the game plan. When can we go out there and get this thing going?" …
"As of press time, the research team reported they had gotten 'blitzed' off of $7 vodka and had just purchased tickets to a Dave Matthews reunion tour show."…
“Honestly, after spending twenty minutes trying to find the Allen wrench I dropped under the couch, I’ve realized he was a terrible father."…
4. Kill the author of this article.…
Family Ends New Years Eve Party With Traditional Blood Oath Not To See Each Other For 8 Months
by Philip Maehr
"Frankly, between seeing you at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now this, I’m tired of your shit,” Grandma Ester tearfully remarked as she dug the ceremonial meat cleaver into her gnarled forearm.…
"I swear, I saw him slide all the way from the top of the library steps down to the bottom right after it rained!"…
