In a shocking divulgence this Saturday, a man wearing exclusively clothing branded with the Columbia wrestling logo revealed that he indeed wrestles for Columbia. “I’m actually on the wrestling team,” said freshman…
TRAGIC — A recent investigation by The Fed has revealed the emotionally devastating story of a Philadelphia-born Columbia student. This poor young man was left in a five-day lobotomized state of shock…
Columbia junior Hugh Jaddict has quite the reputation, but it certainly isn’t due to his work ethic. That’s why his appearance in the Butler main silent reading room late last Saturday night…
Columbia University Facilities and Operations has announced that Uris Pool will be temporarily converted into an indoor skating rink for the holiday season. “Over the summer and throughout the semester, we kept…
Yes! Homecoming season is here! Suit up, boys, let’s get this dub! Who’re we playing? Penn? Perfect! They suck! They’re good? Who cares! It’s our responsibility to support our athletics, specifically on…
It’s that time of year again. What do you call it? Spooky season? Heh. How simple. For me, the spookiness can’t be confined to one corner of the year, much less Halloween…
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by…
ASPEN, CO—A shocking new report from the Department of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes has exposed an undercover collaboration between BigSki and BigKneeDoctor, with insiders alleging that ski resorts have been intentionally…
Now, I’m reasonable with money. I’ve never placed a bet in my life. I’m a lady, for god’s sake. I’m a financially mature person. If someone offered me a dollar, I’d take…
If you’ve been on campus since the semester began, you know there’s one thing that everybody has been talking about: Roar-ee’s new look. Clearly, over break, the feline sensation went home and…
