Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and cross-referenced by Allied Security using surveillance tapes. Student-athletes have expressed outrage at the new policy, given that they contribute to over 75% of all egg consumption at Columbia. University Facilities and Operations told The Fed in an exclusive statement that this was an “eggcellent idea.”
Upon learning about the change, Fed reporters spoke to multiple students at Ferris Booth Commons during the morning breakfast rush. “I need my eggs scrambled, like my brain,” said S.P. Lit, a football player recently diagnosed with CTE. When asked to specify the number of eggs in his typical order, he started counting on his fingers. “If I can’t get six eggs in my omelette, I’m gonna start smashing shit!” baseball player Jack Edup told The Fed. Talk about fowl play!
If a student is found to have exceeded their egg limit, their swipe access will be revoked until they bring an equivalent amount of eggs to a drop-off site in Wien Hall. Those who repeatedly violate this policy will be eggsecuted.
Despite the lack of eggs in Columbia athletes’ diets, the poor outcomes of recent games indicate that their performances have barely changed.
