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Matthew Nola

On Campus

QUIZ: Which Columbia University Disaster Are You?

by Clay Seliga and Matthew Nola
January 12, 2022January 12, 2022

After a year and a half of virtual classes and a global pandemic, the Columbia gods decided to serve up some fresh tragedies for us to enjoy—because, apparently, we haven’t experienced enough…

On Campus/Style

Canada Goose Secret Society Plotting to Eradicate North Face Proletariat

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
December 31, 2021December 31, 2021

BUTLER LIBRARY — Dim lights flicker through the tunnels beneath Butler Library at 3:00 am. Whispers fill the corridors—they seem to be coming from behind the walls, but one cannot tell exactly…

On Campus

BE WARNED! This Student Missed Their Connect Convo and Now They Live under a Bridge

by Nikhil Mehta and Matthew Nola
October 22, 2021December 8, 2021

Dear reader: I write to you a tortured soul. When I was spritely and green like you are now, I would prance and play upon the Butler lawns without a care about…

On Campus/Opinion

Op Ed: Bunsen Burner My Ass! The Tini Must Remain The Deany

by Nikhil Mehta and Matthew Nola
September 25, 2021September 25, 2021

We are deeply saddened to learn that Deantini plans to step down as the Dean of Columbia College at the end of this academic year. However, it is hereby declared that The…

Science and Technology/World

Bill and Melinda Gates Fighting for Custody over 150 Million Microchipped Americans

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
June 25, 2021September 18, 2021

Following the shocking announcement of their divorce, it is becoming increasingly unclear as to how the assets and belongings of Bill and Melinda Gates will be divided. Extremely worrying is the fact…

Food and Drink

“You Gotta Collect Them All,” Says SEAS Junior of Columbia Dining T-Shirts

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
March 25, 2021May 16, 2021

Wearing his beloved “JJ’s Fam” exclusive apparel, Almond stated, “As the king of the JJ’s Naysh, I always gotta turn up, even in a pandemic, with fresh fits.”…

Arts and Culture/Politics

Top Four Spotify Playlists to Get You Through the Impending Civil War

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
November 4, 2020September 20, 2021

3. The “My avocado toast was literally shot out of my hand” playlist:Owie! Right now you probs just need some chill vibes to relax while they start amputating but also you’re really…

Food and Drink/On Campus

URGENT—Ferris Chickpea Pizza from March: Please Eat Me

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
September 24, 2020September 19, 2021

To whomever is reading this: I am a cold, soggy-ass, lonely fucking slice of chickpea pizza. I was “baked” on March 10th (originally frozen a year prior). I used to gleefully bask…

On Campus

Top Columbia Traditions That Every Freshman Should Know About

by Jayne Magliocco, Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
August 4, 2020August 16, 2021

SSOL Crashing: Once every pandemic, Columbia decides to open the gates of the virtual gladiatorial colosseum that is the SSOL registration page, allowing students to fight over precious Zoom spots in Sunil…

Food and Drink

Columbia Confession: Blowing Bubbles Into Tea Just Isn’t the Same as Drinking Bubble Tea

by Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
June 29, 2020August 16, 2021

It’s been 15 weeks without my cherished Gong Cha Tea, and I think the withdrawal symptoms are in full effect. The rivers of boba have run dry, and visions of tapioca pearls…

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