After a year and a half of virtual classes and a global pandemic, the Columbia gods decided to serve up some fresh tragedies for us to enjoy—because, apparently, we haven’t experienced enough…
Canada Goose Secret Society Plotting to Eradicate North Face Proletariat
BUTLER LIBRARY — Dim lights flicker through the tunnels beneath Butler Library at 3:00 am. Whispers fill the corridors—they seem to be coming from behind the walls, but one cannot tell exactly…
BE WARNED! This Student Missed Their Connect Convo and Now They Live under a Bridge
Dear reader: I write to you a tortured soul. When I was spritely and green like you are now, I would prance and play upon the Butler lawns without a care about…
We are deeply saddened to learn that Deantini plans to step down as the Dean of Columbia College at the end of this academic year. However, it is hereby declared that The…
Bill and Melinda Gates Fighting for Custody over 150 Million Microchipped Americans
Following the shocking announcement of their divorce, it is becoming increasingly unclear as to how the assets and belongings of Bill and Melinda Gates will be divided. Extremely worrying is the fact…
“You Gotta Collect Them All,” Says SEAS Junior of Columbia Dining T-Shirts
Wearing his beloved “JJ’s Fam” exclusive apparel, Almond stated, “As the king of the JJ’s Naysh, I always gotta turn up, even in a pandemic, with fresh fits.”…
Top Four Spotify Playlists to Get You Through the Impending Civil War
3. The “My avocado toast was literally shot out of my hand” playlist:Owie! Right now you probs just need some chill vibes to relax while they start amputating but also you’re really…
To whomever is reading this: I am a cold, soggy-ass, lonely fucking slice of chickpea pizza. I was “baked” on March 10th (originally frozen a year prior). I used to gleefully bask…
Top Columbia Traditions That Every Freshman Should Know About
SSOL Crashing: Once every pandemic, Columbia decides to open the gates of the virtual gladiatorial colosseum that is the SSOL registration page, allowing students to fight over precious Zoom spots in Sunil…
Columbia Confession: Blowing Bubbles Into Tea Just Isn’t the Same as Drinking Bubble Tea
It’s been 15 weeks without my cherished Gong Cha Tea, and I think the withdrawal symptoms are in full effect. The rivers of boba have run dry, and visions of tapioca pearls…